The free clean air of democracy

Ahhh, can you smell it? It's the clean air of freedom.

British newspapers are being threatened with the Official Secrets Act if they publish sections of a leaked Downing Street memo dealing with a dispute between Bush and Tony the Poodle over Iraq.

Quoting from the account of a meeting between the two on 16 April 2004, The Mirror revealed this morning that Dubya wanted to bomb the Arab TV station Aljazeera. This was too mad even for Blair apparently and he supposedly talked Shrub out of it. (I have my doubts about this: I doubt Blair has any influence over the US President aside from saying "Yes" in the right places. And the wrong ones for that matter.)

Of course, the US has killed Aljazeera staff before. The staion notes in its article on the memo that:

In April 2003, an Aljazeera journalist died when its Baghdad office was struck during a US bombing campaign. Nabil Khoury, a US State Department spokesman in Doha, said the strike was a mistake.

In November 2002, Aljazeera's office in Kabul, Afghanistan, was destroyed by a US missile. None of the crew was at the office at the time. US officials said they believed the target was a terrorist site and did not know it was Aljazeera's office.

What a pair. One wants to stop journalists writing stories. The other wants to kill them.

The big question is what else is in the memo? Aside from a frank admission that the intelligence behind the war was just made up for political reasons, I suspect there is one terrifying revelation.

This blog can exclusively reveal the contents of that memo. Bush wanted to bom Aljazeera because he thought it was a country.

He actually meant Iran.

(OK, this is a joke but you read it here first.)

White hats, white phosphorous

Phew, thank goodness that bad man Saddam is gone. (And he really was an evil bastard, don't get me wrong.) I mean he tortured people and used cruel, non-conventional weapons against those who opposed him.

Oh, but wait a minute, what's this? The United States has been torturing people. And it used white phosphorous (think modern napalm) against civilian men, women and children , despite denying this repeatedly.

Children? Children? What the fuck are these idiots playing at? How exactly does burning children to the bone win hearts and minds?

The Americans have no idea what they are doing in Iraq. Rather than protecting the civilian population, they treat everyone as a jihadi and would sooner wipe out a village to kill one sniper than expose their own troops to any risk. This is called "force protection". The British Army learned hard, bloody lessons in Northern Ireland and exercises more restraint.

No wonder Iraq has descended into civil war.

And the answer to this mess? Go back in time and don't invade Iraq in the first place.

Don't like Saddam? Go back in time and don't arm and fund the vile, murdering swine in the first place.

Don't like those answers? Tough. Learn the lesson. And the next time some venal politician tells you: "He's a Hitler, he's got superweapons that will kill your mum," don't believe them.

Iraq is already embroiled in a civil war. Bush and Blair's mad crusade has made Iraq a Jihadi Recruiting Centre and soldiers and civilians will be paying the price in blood for years.

White phosphorous on children? Torture centres around the world?

Yeah, we're the good guys. Pass round the white hats...

The stories I long to see

Here are the news pieces I would really like to see:

1. Denying he was suffering from Messianic delusions, Tony Blair commented yesterday: "Nolo me tangere."

2. Cabinet minister denies affair with party worker, admits liking for rent boys and coprophilia.

3. Minor celebrity indulges in petty indiscretion. No-one cares.

From the halls of Montezuma to the World Wide Web

In a piece for WSJ.com (which non-subscribers can read thanks to David Farber), Norm Coleman, a Republican senator from Minnesota, has compared the attempt by the rest of the world to get a share of control of the net to the 1938 Munich agreement which betrayed Czechoslovakia to Hitler.

So let's get this clear: there's a global communication system. It's run by one country. Other countries want to be involved in running it. Wow, the similarities with the rise of Nazism are indeed striking. Thanks to the cogent arguments of Norm, I am now convinced that the UN is building cyber death camps as we speak. At least, Soviet Russia cannot be invaded this time as it now longer exists. But Tony Blair must act now to remove the British Expeditionary Force from ... err ... the web.

Joking apart, isn't it interesting that if an institution answerable to the US government controls something then it's the embodiment of free enterprise. But if the rest of us get involved it's "politicisation".

Tooth Fairy linked with Hearts

This news just in:

The Tooth Fairy is the latest high-profile figure to be linked to the post of Director of Football at Heart of Madlithuanian football club.

While Ms Fairy is famed worldwide for her distribution skills and commitment to youth development, her lack of coaching experience has caused some to question her fitness for the role.

Answering these doubts, Ms Fairy said: "I may be a mythical being but at least my name does not appear on the Sex Offenders Register."

Other notable individuals linked with the Hearts job include Claudio Ranieri, Sir Bobby Robson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Wizard of Oz and Father Christmas.

Gianluca Vialli was last night unavailable for comment.

Not a tear but a cheer

So farewell then, Tony Blair? Am I alone in thinking that perhaps the Tonester's defeat is part of a wider plan?

Remember this is the man who translated Machiavelli into Inscrutablese. He knows he's on the way out and cares about his legacy. I wonder if this defeat actually benefits Tony in some way, allowing him to portray himself as a strong man betrayed by a weak party.

Actually I probably am alone in that view and Blair will be shut in a room with the political equivalent of a bottle of whisky, a pistol and earnest encouragement to "do the decent thing".

When he goes he will be celebrated by many. But for me he will be always the Labour leader who had a glorious opportunity - and overwhelming mandate - to transform Britain into a left-of-centre modern nation but became bogged down in timidity, mediocrity and the pages of the Daily Mail.

A pity. But, credit where credit is due, I'll always bless him for Devolution.

Many a true word spoken in jest

From The Onion, which still sometimes packs an acidic punch:

The Death Of Rosa Parks: 'Now We Can Finally Put Civil Rights Behind Us'
"During today's service, America not only bade farewell to a seamstress from Alabama," President Bush said at a special GOP fundraiser Monday evening, "America buried the idea of civil rights itself."

The thin Brown line

Good to see the priorities of "New" "Old" Labour in action. Gordon "The Man Who Would Be King" Brown has called off a peace mission to the Middle East to hurry back to Blighty to help Blair be tough on civil liberties and the causes of civil liberties.

Now, if Big Brown had any sense, he'd have missed the flight back so that the PM would lose the vote, thus hastening his exit from No 10 and the accession of the dour chancellor. But Brown doesn't have any sense. We know this because he did the famous Granita deal with the Tonester without getting anything in writing saying when the PM would step down. Doh!

One more point about this "90 day without charge" crap. The police are screaming for it but the police failed to stop the 7/7 bombers. (Now, there are all sorts of good reasons why this happened but the bottom line is they failed.) The intelligence services failed to stop the 7/7 bombers.

Quick question: Would the power to hold people without charge for 90 days have prevented the London bombings?

Answer: Of course it bloody wouldn't. If the intelligence services and police had any clue about what these misguided murderous bozos were up to, they would have found something to charge them with. I mean, it's not like there's a loophole somewhere that makes planning to slaughter people legal.

But Tony can't criticise the police because he wants to be "tough on crime". And he can't criticise the intelligence services because he owes them one for taking the blame for his decision to go to war in Iraq in pursuit of WMDs that did not exist.

As for the police using these powers responsibly, well they have the power to shoot people and they don't always use that responsibly now, do they? Do they?

Chinese whispers

I wonder what wriggly form of words Tony Blair will use during the visit of the Chinese premier Hu Jintao? After all the real stuff about trading opportunities, I wonder if there will be time for Our Great Leader to mention China's appalling record on human rights?

I fear not. And I fear the wriggly words will be uttered to us, the grateful British public, rather than placed before our guest, who needs to hear how sickened the world still is by the treatment of Tibet, the massacre of Tiananmen Square and much much more.

But I'm sure there'll be lots of guff about support for the Return To The War On Terror Part II: The Quickening. Yes, at the end of the visit, the soppy stuff about being able to vote and speak your mind will be discarded. Instead, two "strong" men will declare their opposition to terrorists.

Of course, the Chinese view of terrorists might be somewhat different to our own...

Panem et circenses

Have you heard of the power law curve? It's the law that governs blog traffic. Basically a few get lots of visitors, the rest get a trickle.

I can't help but notice that the really popular ones are all about sex. Don't believe me? Check out Mimi in New York - the alleged writings of a stripper/journalist - and the obviously fictional Belle Du Jour, diary of a London call girl.

At the risk of being juvenal, I'd also suggest that the punters also want weird stuff.

Thus, after consultation with respected experts, I have decided that the perfect blog to deliver fame and fortune would combine these elements in an extreme form.

So when you see the launch of "Morticia Delicia - the confessions of a porn star cum mortuary attendant" you will know that the next big thing has arrived in a heady mixture of embalming fluid and lube.

Making the world safe for silent democracy

Oh joy. Oh rapture. Mr Tony's wacky plans to make Britain safe for democracy seem to be in trouble. For those of you not versed in the great civic freedoms of the United Kingdom, Our Great Leader has been told the police want to lock people up for 90 days without charge if they are suspected of being terrorists. Or knowing terrorists. Or liking terrorists. Or suggesting that not all terrorists are necessarily mindless automata controlled by Ayatollah Khomenei from beyond the grave.

Now, however, a few MPs have discovered the spines that went missing in the run-up to the Iraq war. Bliar's plans to rob us of the right to habeus corpus only just scraped through the Commons. The House of Lords will feel able to rip these insane proposals to shreds.

But does it not say something about the UK in the 21st century that our freedom will be protected by the totally undemocratic House of Lords?